People who had a significant amount of influence on me, came to my life on their own by coincidence. I didn’t have to seek them. And you were no exception to that rule. It was 2012, a weird time, when I tried to forget about people who rejected me, didn’t know about my future goals and being insecure about myself. Mainly because how it is possible for others to find their group of friends or their significant other. Am I not appealing enough or is something wrong with me?
Then you came into my life. I didn’t put a lot of thoughts about that. We wrote from time to time and that it, at first. Time has passed and it got more and more frequent. We laughed a lot, spoke about our problems and it felt to me like the first time where I didn’t need to hide my true self and be fully comfortable. I really started to like you and you felt the same way. More feelings developed, we also exchanged postcards, packages and at one point you sent me one of my most favorite present I have ever received so far. It was one of these cool mugs, which look like a camera lens. I always wanted one of these and you sent me one, without even knowing about that I want one. That’s why I appreciate it more.
I’m really thankful for your present. And for the little things you did to me, like waking up so early to join me on my bus travel, even though I didn’t even managed to wake up in time or just being there whenever I needed you.
The time where we met the first time, was awkward. I mean I sat right next to your for 3 minutes without talking to you because I was too shy to talk to you and when I approached you, we just hugged straight away. I think I could have hugged you forever. When people ask me what my November was, I would say November 2014, where I met the girl who meant the world to me.
You remember the time where we talked about how things will change in the future, where I said that you will go to university, find new people and forget about me because I’m just a guy you met on the internet?
It‘s funny how that turned out to be true. But there is only one to blame fort hat situation and it’s me. You see there was always this thought in my mind that I’m worthless compared to others, because I never seem to fit in somewhere. In addition I said things I didn’t mean to, even going as far as saying that I don’t love you. Even though that’s not true. I cannot explain myself why I did that. But now, I got it. It’s because I couln’t think about deserving you and having you by my side. My huge amount of inferiority complexes were the main reason for destroying this relationship and it took a long time for me to acknowledge my problems.
We broke up, I felt miserable and tried everything to get back to you, but the damage has been done and we stopped writing to each other. There was no day, where I didn’t thought about you. But still, life goes on somehow, til 2015 where I tried contacting you again. We both know how that turned out. Then half-year later you contacted me again, but I didn’t move on like you did. So I had a different intention of writing you again. This led us to the point where we are now and where I have to finally move on.
At one point, I thought by being a jerks makes me forget about you easier, but at the end I realized: I don’t want to be remembered like that and then it was too late. The only thing that remains is learning from this lesson and working on myself to
In order to move on, I have to let you go. Stop thinking about you every day. Marooning myself from the outside, because I could hurt somebody again or myself. And realize, that you don’t want to deal with me ever again.
I’m sorry for the things I did. Shifting my own insecurities towards you and didn’t fully acknowledge it. And making you uncomfortable, when I was at your place. It’s not excusable, that I didn’t think about what I was doing and how it’s affecting you. The only thing I can do now is my deepest regrets. It’s important, that I have to work on myself in terms of self-improvement and being respectful and considerate, to never let this happen again.
I genuinely hope, that you’re happy with yourself, fulfilling your dreams and be together with a person who treats you well and makes you happy. Because you deserve the love and happiness you give and showed me that there are people in life who understand me and I’m not the alien who is stranded on this planet like I used to think about.
So goodbye to you, genuinely hope that you are fine and well.